“Watching the rain through your bedroom window is similar to the static on on tv screen. The picture is distorted,almost unreal,like it’s barely there. The sounds are crackled,like it’s struggling to to be heard. And the feeling you get while watching is like you’re on the edge,curious and waiting,like it’s going to take you away. Then,as the thunder crackles,or the screen brightens,you jump,and your heart races,leaving your breathless.”—
“You were perfect that night… you tasted like my blood… You left me so exhausted and confused.” He smiled, laughing softly. ”I still have the scars. I doubt they‘ll ever really fade away.” he said, his voice so much more tired and so much more knowing…. “You were….so strange…. like nothing I imagined existed in this world.” he swallowed. He knew all the things to say to Jupiter… All the right words to bring him back time and time again. ”You were… I loved you…” His voice was fading out… warbling…. the sea was suddenly louder than his confessions….
The roaring waves crashed down over him and he was pulled from the window and the image of the man he loved was washed away from him in an instant… “He loved me…” he screamed out, his hands grasping for anything other than water… “He fucking loved me…” there was only grass under his fingertips… and only blood on his lips…
I feel like there is this excessively heavy weight on my chest, pulling me down, back stooping. I sigh to attempt to alleviate this, but to no avail. I want to curl up someplace dark and quiet, and just cool enough to keep me awake, at least for a little while. I want to be the small child, sneaking away and hiding in the corner of the closet to get away from the household disagreements, to hide with the monster instead of hiding from it.
What am I now. A creature who fears her own kind, an awkward doe who doesn’t know feet from sky. A milky thing with fearful eyes and quiet, infrequent breath. I am stunning and horrible. I am nothing.
I cannot believe the things she is saying. I never wanted her to recover. I wanted her to stay down in the dark with me, tasting dirt under her fingernails. I wanted the darkness to curl under our ribs and tickle our shrinking hearts. I wanted to spill moonbeams down her chest, lap them up with greed. I wanted to cry into her hair. Every spotty scar a kiss from our disease. Ours. Our disease. The only thing we truly shared. And now it is gone in favor of Confidence is Beauty.